not many people will read this, but I need to get this out somehow and to someone. Thank you if you did.
I finally began to fully recover from my eating disorder and started eating multiple times a day. I was so proud of myself.
Then people began to tell me how I’ve gained weight. And how my face looks fuller and how I’ve put on a few pounds. I constantly fought myself to not step on a scale because I KNEW I would not like the outcome, but when multiple people are coming up to me just to comment on my weight, I began to wonder.
I weighed myself and I saw that I had gained 20 pounds. Not one, or two, or five, or ten… 20. My heart sank and I felt disgusted with myself. I was finally so happy to be eating without beating myself up over it. I was finally so happy to be eating regularly and be healthy. And a couple of comments just took that away from me.
I’ve started to see the change and how much bigger I really am and I’m beginning to become depressed again. I feel awful in bathing suits, my jeans don’t fit me anymore and I had to get new sized bras. I’m fighting so hard to stay strong.
Lately I’ve been going out shopping and I’ve noticed my old sizes don’t fit me. I’ve gone up in everything. And it’s so sad because I try something so beautiful on hoping it’ll fit me and make me feel better but nothing does. I sit in fitting rooms and cry because I’m disgusted with myself. I feel pathetic knowing that I’m sitting there crying while there’s an entire line of people standing outside waiting to try their clothes on as well.
Today, I went shopping shopping with my aunt, looking for things for my family and not really expecting to buy anything for me. But I saw this dress. Black, with lace and rhinestones. I thought “what the heck?! Might as well try something on!” And so I grabbed It and went to the fitting room. I took off my clothes and stood In front of the dressing room mirror and just looked so disappointed. I was convincing myself to not try on the dress because I knew I’d look terrible in it. Something told me to try it on anyways.
I put on the dress and what do you know, I started crying again. But this time, they were tears of joy. It actually fit.
It was one of those dresses that ruffled in the front so It made it seem like I didn’t have much of a gut. (Lol) I was so happy and just so excited to have found something I loved on myself. I even took a picture in it.
I FINALLY felt pretty! I finally didn’t feel hatred and disgust towards myself.
I went out and showed my aunt and she just knew that I was really happy with it. She knew how I felt towards myself and I guess felt elated as well, she bought me the dress.
Me getting this dress signified for me change. And hope. I can change my appearance and more importantly my thoughts and views on myself. I know I can do it. I just have to be patient. Like finding this dress, it took forever to find something I liked on me, and once I did, I couldn’t have been more happy.09:43pm with 6 notes